You know the guy who's fun, cracking jokes, constantly coming up with weird things that make people laugh in disbelief, that kind of thing. He thinks too much and his art is cool but dark, almost alarmingly so. He gives weird signals but it's no ones business so it gets disregarded or taken as another off-beat joke. I'm 40 by the time of the writing and been thinking about dying since I was something like 5. The same jokes that hid the gnawing fear of death also kept me alive.
I see it in those celebrities that were ultimately crushed underneath it, in their eyes mostly, since they expose the lie behind the fake smiles. Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Kurt Cobain and many whose death has been a self-inflicted "accident", if that makes sense, bathtub + drugs sort of thing. You can see it in their interviews. There are also a hatful of pornstars who died by their own hand but remembering them is too embarrassing for the society. I bet they had the same emptiness in their pretty eyes, even on screen.
It's also a common phenomenon that people who are soon going to commit a suicide are seemingly happy, all smiles and love and laughter, which follows from the relief that the decision has finally been made. This last phase causes the most disbelief in those close to the victim as the contrast is so stark. You often hear how "they never would've guessed" but I'd argue that there were/are signs.
I'm not very fun to be around anymore but I'm not afraid of death either - that it takes me or that it doesn't. My solution was to vomit it all out, all the bad stuff no matter how ridiculous or unpleasant. I had to keep repeating the same things over and over again until they didn't hurt anymore. But hurt is only the symptom, you need to find the cause and kill it with exposure, that's what I believe, and you might need help finding it.
I don't want to encourage anyone to start scanning if a friend or relative is going through something like this. I would rather encourage everyone to do some serious introspection. Look into a mirror and see if your eyes are smiling, and think about it next time you want to be funny if you're really just trying to hide something.
Comments
Post a Comment